Sunday, May 30, 2010

Our Story... So far

So I have been thinking about the way mine and Luke's journey came about, I mean the way we came to love each other. Some people may already know, but many people probably think "oh they dated in high school, planned to go college together, and here they are." That is not how it went... I love the story because it has the fingerprints of God ALL over it!
So here it goes...

Luke and I did go to high school together, however we paid ZERO attention to one another. I dated someone else for 10th grade and part of 11th grade, and he had a totally different group of friends than I did. About the middle of senior year I slowly started to hang out with his group of friends through mutual friends and Luke and I would talk here and there. I kind of thought he was a little strange (the big puffy hair was a little intense for me) and he thought I was a brat. ha. Slowly we would talk and interact but no real depth or friendship. One afternoon we were in the same area talking after school and in trying to make conversation he said "Do you know where you are going to college?" I answered "Yeah! Columbus State" He looked shocked and said "Oh! Really? Me too" HMMM.... I thought "oh thats cool I will know someone".
Senior prom rolled around and Luke was just too slow at the asking, so someone else in our group of friends asked first. I said yes, but eventually got out of it because by this point Luke and I had started to build some sort f friendship that I knew I wanted to be more. After I got out of going with the other guy Luke asked, we went, and had a great time! We both knew that we liked one another, but didn't really want to make a big deal about it so we would go out in groups, secretly hold hands, etc. hahaha.

Here we are then...


That summer we started dating. If you don't know, Luke has Cystic Fibrosis. I would not have expected myself to be okay with this health condition, because I have some control issues and I had never dealt closely with any health problems. The crazy God orchestrated part is this... in 10th grade (2 years before I ever talked to Luke) I took a child development class and had to do a project on a childhood illness. Guess which disease I was given? yep! CF! CRAZY... I know. I did the project and through the assignment realized that a kid in my grade had CF (that would be Luke). So when it came time for me to decide if I was willing to start building a relationship with someone who has CF I was very aware of what that entailed. And surprisingly I was totally willing to take that chance... I knew there was something special. I didn't know what, I was definitely not aware of the joy and partner I would find from taking that chance. And for the past 5 years we have learned what it is to commit to a person, to love, we have grown, stumbled, struggled, encouraged, served, laughed, I have cried, apologized, rejoiced, and the list goes on. I personally have learned so much. While at Columbus State we were lead to a campus ministry called Cougars for Christ. This ministry rocked our world, taught us so many truths and really challenged our faith. In some ways I feel like Cougars for Christ was preparing us for the community we will be serving with in LA. Because they are both similar and both are so different from the church families where we were raised. I was just thinking about how this has all been weaved together, how my heart has responded differently to our journey than I ever would have expected, and I realized that people may not know how we got here... so I wanted to share.

Here we are now... Time flies...The journey has been beautiful. Not perfect. But beautiful... can't wait for it to continue!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My journey*Your journey*Different, but connected

So I recently stumbled upon this blog. This is Katie. She is 21 and has 14 children who she has adopted while serving in Uganda.

http://www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

I have enjoyed reading her stories and have also gained many thoughtful moments. I read one post about " counting the cost". She wrote about having to leave the love of her life to pursue this life in Africa, she listed all of the tings she had to give up to go on this journey. And this made our move to California seem so small and actually quite "fancy". I started to feel so guilty and overcome with shame. I once again slipped into wondering if maybe I was doing "something wrong". I have this thing where I can admire something or feel inspired by something, or even convicted by something and I will think that I am supposed to do the same thing. Am I the only one who does this? Hope not. So my mind became consumed with the idea that this journey Luke and I are on is not enough, I need to give more. I should be just like her, I should e-mail her, move to Africa and adopt 14 kids. I mean if she did it, so should I right? I believe that the initial reason I felt this way was the guilt and shame that I felt that my life was not sacrificial enough. I caused myself to believe that she and I were similar so compassion for her and a longing to do the "right thing" always. I began to wonder... "maybe I have my calling wrong? I mean look at all she has given up so young, relationship, family, home, safety, etc." She did all of this to follow Christ. I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I started to scold myself with things like "you are going to move, but you know you wouldn't be if it were not for Luke, maybe you are just following him not really Christ?" But the truth of the matter is, mostly if it were not for Luke I would not even be ready to sacrifice the things that I am and move to the other side of the country. God has used Luke to inspired me to dare to dream, jump, fall, get back up, serve, love, and much much more. So I guess in a way I am "following Luke", however, he is being fueled by the One who is in control. I cant deny the fact that many times God works in our lives through others. I am thankful for this. I am extremely happy with the way my life is playing out (which I do admit is a struggle for me to not feel guilty about) and I would not have expected myself to be happy about some events that are taking place. This shows Christ moving and working in my life. Through this journey I have become determined to dream and change the world. The problem now is that I don't know what that means for me. So when I read another persons story my obsessive thought patterns take over and I think maybe I should do that too. Instead of letting it come and following His movement I over think and try to ignore the journey in front of me, that I believe could only be possible by the grace of Someone bigger than myself. I still have these people in Uganda on my mind Katie, all of her beautiful children, the people who need His love. I am not sure where this will take me, I would love to meet Katie, visit, possibly adopt one day? Who knows. There is beauty in the unknown and so instead of trying to decide right now and pack up to move to Uganda because I feel guilty and ashamed that my life does not look as sacrificial as Katie's I am trying to use that energy more positively. I am committing to praying for Katie and her children (all 14 :)) And for the people who work with Katie, and for Uganda and it's people. I am also inspired to pray for my own journey with Luke and the possibility of adoption in the future. Honestly, I have fallen in love with these "brown" babies and their sweet smiles who need love. I even woke up after dreaming something about these people. I am not sure what the dream was but it left me aching to help, I then automatically thought that was a sign that I should move to Africa. I have since reined in the obsessive thoughts and realized that there are other ways to help Katie on her journey,while I am on the one in front of me. I have love, Luke has love, and I hope that one day we can give it to a child who may not have much if not any at all. Note: I am not filling out any adoption papers at the time, however, I am inspried, and will to pray about it.

I realize that I have this journey God has so graciously put in front of me, and who knows how radical it will become. I almost allowed fear and shame to discredit the path that He is making for us, and the confirmation we have received. I am shocked at how I can do this to myself. Do I think it would be a bad life to live and serve in another country? No. Do I think that is my purpose right now? No but I almost became so overwhelmed by my "inadequate" sacrifice that I gave up a journey that I have watched unfold right in front of me. One to Pasadena California to serve with the one I love and with a community that loves Christ. Serving with this community provides so many opportunities and I know that I can be used there, I am just not sure where. I have to remember that my journey that has been laid for me... is for me and that the journey put in front of someone else for them... is for them.


hERE ARE kATIE'S GIRLS...

Grace

JANE

SUMINI

Scovia

Joyce
Sarah
Tibita

Mary

Zuula

Helen

Agnes

Margaret

Prossy

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Adoption Adventures! You can be a part of God's story for these families.

Please check these blogs out!


1) I just want to love on this "Lucy" she is too precious!


http://weloveourlucy.blogspot.com/


Here is Lucy's Gotcha Day Video! Beautiful!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duyL9UjLrdM






2) This blog has great opportunities to help families who are trying to adopt. I am aware that adoption can be expensive. However, there is no doubt in my mind that it is worth it. I know that for myself there are ways I can cut back on certain "luxuries" to be able to give to these families!


http://embracingtheleastofthese.blogspot.com/2010/05/love-is-not-color-andits-time-for.html

3)Next, this is a couple that is in the process of adopting from Ethiopia. They are also doing a fundraiser! Very cute and such a blessing to them... I am sure.


http://thepalmersjourney.blogspot.com/


4) Kim and Dave: Anyone that I have a relationship with has probably already heard about the Rhode's Journey. I have gotten to know Kim through blogging and she is amazing. Luke and I have spent some time with them at one of the summer camps where Dave has spoken. This family is precious, real, and complete with Frankie added to their 2 girls.



Sunday, May 16, 2010

Wedding Fun!



This weekend one of my very best friends got married! Wasn't she beautiful? Well she is. Inside and out! Jessica and I met in Kindergarten and have been friends since. It is not common to find a friend that sticks for that long. She is a true friend. As we started all of the wedding festivities for Jessica and Jonathan I could not help but think about mine and Luke's special day and how it is approaching quickly. I am getting so excited for the big day. Mostly this weekend made me excited to celebrate this special time with so many people that are so special to us since we will be moving immediately after the ceremony. Throughout the entire day I just kept day dreaming about June 26th :). The events that will take place, the joy I find in the thought of Luke and I being in the same state, seeing his smiling face as I walk down the aisle, and I could go on and on... but I will spare you :)

Jessica will also be a bridesmaid in my wedding and she is one of the MANY people I will miss so much after we leave. I can't believe how time has flown by, one minute Jessica and I are playing outside at her house laughing at her silly daddy who was always cutting up and the next thing I know she is getting married! CRAZY!




Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Job Update!

I got word from a friend in California that there is a job opening at a private school in Pasadena. I contacted one of the administrators and will be sending my application in soon. I am not sure what to think about it, but I do know that I have been praying for an open mind to whatever job opportunities may come my way. So, that is what I am doing... keeping and open mind. Luke and I are praying about this job and ask that you join us. So there you go, I have a lead.... we will see where He takes it :)

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

CHANGE,RISK,ADVANCE...

After risk comes advance. After "no turning back" comes "you must go forward." The closer you get to a divine challenge, the bigger it will seem, and the smaller you will feel.


I have posted this quote from Chasing Daylight in a previous blog, but, honestly I had forgotten about it until yesterday. I was at school and feeling overwhelmed with worry, concern, fear about the future, marriage, the move, etc. Then out of nowhere this quote popped in my head. Thank goodness. Later I actually printed it out and hung it up beside my desk, just as a little reminder. When I first read this part of the book months ago I made a mental note of this and knew that I would most likely experience this emotion. However, I had let this slip my mind. And let me tell you, this is how I am feeling very small next to a big, huge monster of change. I am talking about I am suddenly concerned about things that I have never been concerned about. So I have decided to follow some advice given to me by a friend which is "when you feel like you need to fix everything stop and abide with Him" I am trying! Let me tell you it is not easy when fears hop through my head throughout the day. All of this was sparked mainly by my reaction to having to turn in my letter of resignation, new and old fears all started jumping around in my brain. I have blogged before about making my fears reality in my head and I developed this fear along time ago of not being "perfect" and "messing up". So, early in the engagement I became so afraid of the possibility that I could be doing the "wrong thing". I worried myself so much about it that I was just exhausted. Like I said I had no reason to be worried other than the fear of not always being perfect that I let grow until I was paralyzed by my own fear of "messing up". Thankfully I realized that this is a pattern in my life,and I have done this for years. Only it seemed bigger and scarier this time, because it the situation in fact is bigger and scarier. I mean marriage, a move, no job. WOW! I had turned life into some big map and decided that God would tell me everything I could and couldn't do. And because things were working out the way I wanted them to, I thought that there must be something wrong. I had total disregard for the fact that I had been praying about this journey for close to a year and telling Him what I desired, but that I sure didn't want it if He didn't. I had somehow decided that I didn't really get a choice in the matter, if it was what I wanted, it shouldn't happen. I am telling you I was so scared, because I knew what I wanted and it was happening. So now I am realizing that when a big event happens in this journey I tend to retreat to these types of thoughts, these fears of failure, the unknown, etc. The letter of resignation for example, I totally freaked and went back to the old fears that I had dealt with previously and had already over come. It is almost as if I like the fear, like it gives me some comfort. Strange? probably. Broken? definitely. Reminds me that I am human, and will struggle? for sure. So now when these fears that are not my reality but a product of the unknown and me being too hard on myself fly my way I try to stop, get a grip, and move on. In the past I was just stopping, thinking, letting it fester, building new realities, then having a breakdown. Like today, I was talking to a co-worker and telling her about some stuff that came in the mail for the wedding that I was really excited about, then out of nowhere come a nervous feeling and I started in on the typical fears "oh no what if the wedding doesn't happen? then you have all this stuff and you have talked to people about it, you would be so embarrassed" so before I had time to think about it I moved on to a new thought. Because that thought, to me, screams of fear of failure. And one that I had dealt with previously. I made it through and I am alive. I am just learning not to give into the tempting thought of making myself worry and feel bad. Honestly, I do hate that I struggle with these fears and thoughts, but I think it may all just be part of my journey and growth. But what I am learning is that what I fear more is not "messing up" but not acting, not moving forward, not taking a chance and risking on this adventure that He has put in front of me. When I first felt drawn to this whole idea Luke had about California and got past the shock that I was okay with it, I was more excited and ready for action than I was scared. As the day approaches I find the tables turning and I am becoming more scared and a little less excited. I have my moments of excitement and I cherish them, but I am afraid. There I said it. Sometimes I am not even sure what exactly I am afraid of and that does not work well with me because I have to get to the bottom of the problem. I am learning to approach these thought in a more productive way, rather than slipping into panic mode. Now do I wish that I was just skipping through a field of daisies all day, without a care in the world? Yes! But I also understand that challenges such as this will bring not so pretty tasks my way, and that all of this is just the beginning of tremendous growth for me.