Growing Up is Weird.

Luke and I have been challenged so much since we have been in LA. We have been challenged as a couple and as individuals. There is so much growth happening it is insane. With growth sometimes comes pain and unfamiliarity but results in so much beauty. I think that sometimes we surprise ourselves by how much we love this city and the community at Mosaic. We have thrown ourselves into exciting things and most of the time don't have a chance to look back. Needless to say, we love it here. Even on "bad" days we are thankful to be here and inspired by the people around us.

With all that said, here is a thought that keeps coming to mind lately... Growing up is weird. Who knew? No one told me. Ya know, it was a little strange when I started the big girl job and was teaching. Then as soon as I got used to that feeling of newness and normalcy we pack up and head to the West Coast. But in the past 9 months I have slowly realized that going through the process of growing up is just different when you have moved. I sometimes feel like I am so disconnected from things back home. I know this is all part of growing up and starting our own life, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to see and hear about things moving and changing in my old world and not actually being present. I am a "feeler" I feel things so deeply, and a huge part of an experience for me is how I feel, how do other people feel and react, what conversations are had, etc. So it has been tough to hear or see pictures of my old reality moving forward and changing and not being present.

My sister is competing with a dance team for the first year ever, getting ready for college, shopping for prom dresses, working at Chick Fil A (JEALOUS). And I am not there. Not experiencing it, not sitting with my parents at the events supporting Haley.

My sweet friend Shanna graduated a few weeks ago. I know how hard she worked to get there. I was there when she started her waaay intense program. I had the privildge of hearing her talk about all the details, her excitement, her fear and I loved feeling it all with her. And to see it finish out but not be a part of the celebration was hard.

One of my most precious friends is getting married. Sarah Beth is a friend where there is no pressure to be anything but who we are, like the things we like, be honest with each other, cry, share stories, laugh, share fears and dreams and never be concerned about judgment. She is honestly like another sister to me and I miss her terribly. I am out of this world happy for her and this special time and totally realize that she has plenty of people to share this time with and she is well taken care of. However, in a selfish way I find myself tearing up at the facebook photos of events where I am not. Really, you should have seen Luke's face when he realized there were actual tears in my eyes while looking at facebook photos.

I am so glad that I can see pictures of all the events happening in my old world, but at the end of the day they are still images. The part that feeds my soul is missing... like the interaction between friends, the emotions that play out, the laughter that starts in your belly and comes out in a loud burst of joy, the agonizing questions and staring in the mirror that happens when picking the perfect prom dress, the hilarious stories told when Haley comes home from musical practice, hearing/seeing her practice... and practice... and practice dances until they are flawless, sensing the stress she is is putting on herself to do her very best. All of these things are missing and causing me to feel disconnected. When I think about my trip to GA next month I feel so many emotions and am so overwhelmed with them that I can barely stand it.

Lastly, in the moments where I feel terribly disconnected I have to remind myself that though I am disconnected from my old reality, we are connected to so many new and interesting people in LA. I am honestly thrilled to be being challenged in this season of life. I can feel myself becoming a better me each day. My goal is to live in the moment, in this reality. I am actively "feeling" it all and taking it all in.

If you didn't know I was so into being able to "feel" everything, now you do. Hope that wasn't too overwhelming.

Love from CA,

Jess

P.S. 8 days until Hawaii!!!!