CHANGE,RISK,ADVANCE...

After risk comes advance. After "no turning back" comes "you must go forward." The closer you get to a divine challenge, the bigger it will seem, and the smaller you will feel.


I have posted this quote from Chasing Daylight in a previous blog, but, honestly I had forgotten about it until yesterday. I was at school and feeling overwhelmed with worry, concern, fear about the future, marriage, the move, etc. Then out of nowhere this quote popped in my head. Thank goodness. Later I actually printed it out and hung it up beside my desk, just as a little reminder. When I first read this part of the book months ago I made a mental note of this and knew that I would most likely experience this emotion. However, I had let this slip my mind. And let me tell you, this is how I am feeling very small next to a big, huge monster of change. I am talking about I am suddenly concerned about things that I have never been concerned about. So I have decided to follow some advice given to me by a friend which is "when you feel like you need to fix everything stop and abide with Him" I am trying! Let me tell you it is not easy when fears hop through my head throughout the day. All of this was sparked mainly by my reaction to having to turn in my letter of resignation, new and old fears all started jumping around in my brain. I have blogged before about making my fears reality in my head and I developed this fear along time ago of not being "perfect" and "messing up". So, early in the engagement I became so afraid of the possibility that I could be doing the "wrong thing". I worried myself so much about it that I was just exhausted. Like I said I had no reason to be worried other than the fear of not always being perfect that I let grow until I was paralyzed by my own fear of "messing up". Thankfully I realized that this is a pattern in my life,and I have done this for years. Only it seemed bigger and scarier this time, because it the situation in fact is bigger and scarier. I mean marriage, a move, no job. WOW! I had turned life into some big map and decided that God would tell me everything I could and couldn't do. And because things were working out the way I wanted them to, I thought that there must be something wrong. I had total disregard for the fact that I had been praying about this journey for close to a year and telling Him what I desired, but that I sure didn't want it if He didn't. I had somehow decided that I didn't really get a choice in the matter, if it was what I wanted, it shouldn't happen. I am telling you I was so scared, because I knew what I wanted and it was happening. So now I am realizing that when a big event happens in this journey I tend to retreat to these types of thoughts, these fears of failure, the unknown, etc. The letter of resignation for example, I totally freaked and went back to the old fears that I had dealt with previously and had already over come. It is almost as if I like the fear, like it gives me some comfort. Strange? probably. Broken? definitely. Reminds me that I am human, and will struggle? for sure. So now when these fears that are not my reality but a product of the unknown and me being too hard on myself fly my way I try to stop, get a grip, and move on. In the past I was just stopping, thinking, letting it fester, building new realities, then having a breakdown. Like today, I was talking to a co-worker and telling her about some stuff that came in the mail for the wedding that I was really excited about, then out of nowhere come a nervous feeling and I started in on the typical fears "oh no what if the wedding doesn't happen? then you have all this stuff and you have talked to people about it, you would be so embarrassed" so before I had time to think about it I moved on to a new thought. Because that thought, to me, screams of fear of failure. And one that I had dealt with previously. I made it through and I am alive. I am just learning not to give into the tempting thought of making myself worry and feel bad. Honestly, I do hate that I struggle with these fears and thoughts, but I think it may all just be part of my journey and growth. But what I am learning is that what I fear more is not "messing up" but not acting, not moving forward, not taking a chance and risking on this adventure that He has put in front of me. When I first felt drawn to this whole idea Luke had about California and got past the shock that I was okay with it, I was more excited and ready for action than I was scared. As the day approaches I find the tables turning and I am becoming more scared and a little less excited. I have my moments of excitement and I cherish them, but I am afraid. There I said it. Sometimes I am not even sure what exactly I am afraid of and that does not work well with me because I have to get to the bottom of the problem. I am learning to approach these thought in a more productive way, rather than slipping into panic mode. Now do I wish that I was just skipping through a field of daisies all day, without a care in the world? Yes! But I also understand that challenges such as this will bring not so pretty tasks my way, and that all of this is just the beginning of tremendous growth for me.